following me there is a song
a song that only makes me long
for something more... its like a goddamn chore
constant tunes recorded
wish some would die
wish some wouldnt lie
wish some would stop replaying
the bittersweet melody
is pouring out of me
may pour through my eyes
may bore from my lies
even so it surrounds my head
as if i were dead
like a chant
like a chime
but amidst the cd change
my thoughts are paused
and i think no more
is it relief?
is silence all i need?
or should i look for a pleasant harmony

CARVEL

When I try I force it out
Never looking in only out
Now is the time for a millions to lose
Never the same since I lost you
Running me out the town
Wishing the best around
Would only get off my back
Heaven receives you and throws you back
Sending a dummy to my god
Driving to eat a carvel cake
Somewhere you know isn't where you think
Have you gone away already
(come back, come back, come back)
All the good times are on their way
Up and down that's how energy stays alive
And I wouldn't have it any other way

  So i feel as though my dreams are more real than life. is that normal? like actual dreams that i have. not wishes or fantasies. i really have no reason to feel such feelings, but when u stop every once and while and evaluate your life and your family's life, you tend to come to such realizations. but i havent realized anything yet. i look at my siblings and wonder. its changed. when you have a big family, there is alot. just alot that happens. they used to know me, and i suppose they do, but do they? they were the ones in which i would tell everything to, and now i feel as tho i have no one. i have the people that i tell bits and pieces of different things, but no one really can see the full picture and put it all together, as it is in me. emptiness. i believe that has come upon me. it is an interesting feeling however. u know how you fill yourself sometimes with something hollow? so it fills up but not really. i dont know why this has come over me, but it has been like this for quite some time. i dislike being at school, i dislike being at home, and sometimes just the thought of people sickens me. however i cant get away from them. only the select. i have done much observing for the past while of my life and realize that the human race sickens me completely. this includes myself. i have no anger what so ever, just a certain numbness to the way we are. i feel so alone. not that i feel i am the only one that realizes things, but that i am the only one that truly knows myself. but do i even?

  the one thing that baffles my mind, is God. he does. he knows me more than i even know myself. he is the one that i can talk to, i only wish he could talk back in the way i would like him to. but thats not the way it is. maybe a reason why God is like this, in this form, is so we can get away from people, humans, all of them. they are all the same. but God. he has his ways. if he did talk back in the way we would like him to, it would be all too similar to our own being. is this a reason why? faith of course, but is it still a part? He is what seems to be the hollow part that fills me. but why is it hollow? i dont want it to, and by all means i hate to admit it, but its true. i wish he wasnt so hollow to me. however i am happy to say that he does fill me. sometimes its cloudy (which is good. means it is more filling) and sometimes its almost see thru. it is because my mind strays and thinks only of the world. however when i do think beyond the world, i feel like laughing. laughing at the world with my head shaking. gosh theres so many feelings that come out of no where. they just suddenly appeared in me and wont go away. if God knows us more than we know ourselves, he would be one to listen to. right? of course. who better to get advice from than the very one who knows you the very best. and knowing is knowing one's thoughts. knowing one's thoughts is intimacy. when two people exchance thoughts they grow closer and closer and are able to rely on eachother. so take the bible. it is somewhat a form of God's thoughts is it not? it is like his diary with narroration. i have learned  that the bible is more precious then what we sometimes view it. we tell Him our thoughts every day, wouldnt he like to play a part in this relationship too and share some of his thoughts as well? he has been offering it the whole time. even the world. not society, but the physical world. God has put himself into his creation. so the beauty that we sometimes pass by is the beauty of the Lord. it is a part of him. so perhaps by taking in bits and pieces of him, might grant us somewhat of what we desire from him as a relationship. we can grow with him. i wish this was easier said than done. why does it have to be so hard sometimes? and why am i writing so much? i've had so much within me, i blew up on this poor xanga. hopefully someday i can look back at these words and have a satisfaction of my life and relationship with God. 

  well with this i pray that the Lord fills me. that he fills me with a solid filling that wont melt or evaporate as it tends to do at times. i pray that he will wake me up and take me out of this clouded mind that seems to be getting the better of me, and learn to fulfill the duties set before me. so that these emotions pulled out of the air, will not take me over. there is far more heavy weights in my mind, but too much to type. so i guess i will ignore it, and pray this prayer...

 =)